3 Relationships and 5 Steps to Juggling Family, Life & Health to Enhance Happiness

The last few weeks have really exhausted me! All of my parenting skills, teaching and calm techniques to help my kids communicate better aren't working.  I am at a loss, I am admitting this....how do I fix this so I don't implode? Do you ever feel this way?  I think most parents do, but we power through, or do we?

Looking at all the the variables in life, kids, family, economics, jobs, housing, materialistic items, health, and basic quality of life.  There are A LOT that can pile up!  I think many people these days are pushing down these stresses and they are ALL starting to pile up.  Is this why so many of us are on Anti-Depressants or other medications?

The more time I spend with my kids I feel like my patience gets shorter and shorter.  Is this normal? I look at their adorable faces and kiss and hug them as much as I can.  Although, I feel when we have stay home days, and I am trying to get things done, they interrupt me more, argue more and just protest about everything!  I have had several hours of mommy and kid time, now it is my time to do household stuff.  They need to learn to play and entertain themselves, right?  How will I get this to work for my family?  I think about how to handle all that is happening in my life for me, our family and how to integrate more independence in my children without feeling guilty of ignoring them.


This brings up what I am teaching them about relationships in general.  As parents we want to provide a great life for our kids, but how do we do this if we aren't 100% happy or healthy mentally or physically with ourselves?  How to I teach them to have healthy relationships with each other, themselves, and others in their lives?  It is important to look at the entire picture in order to set a plan of action.


First, I needed to review the relationship that I have with myself.  I do some self-reflection.  The most obvious controlling factor for me are my hormones.  I feel the ups and downs of my wacked out hormones, because I am in the beginning of Peri-Menopause.  Did you know that your body pre-determines when you will enter this "time" while you are still in utero yourself?  Your eggs are limited from the day you are born.  Peri-Menopause is the beginning of the first stages of Menopause.  Watch this link for more information on Peri-Menopause.  I also have an internal battle that I have set aside, and ignored for too long.  This battle is that I am a women living with Chronic Pain for over 15 years.  My pain went up tremendously after my daughter was born.  For two years I struggled with figuring out my "down" times and why I felt like I did.  I should be happy and enjoying my adorable newborn, toddler and spouse. Some of this related back to hormones and Postpartum Depression (PPD Quiz).   I went from the PPD to Peri-Menopause without much of a break, and started to unravel.  I had to have me time, to excercise, feel better and emotional get a break.  This was very hard for me to admit and also integrate in a busy household with a 1 and 3 year old.  Thank goodness for my mother, who moved in with us to help care for our kids while I healed.  I recently started using relaxation to help me manage my pain.  I had a turning point, a few months ago, when I finally found a name for my pain.  For those who don't suffer with Chronic Pain, having a diagnosis helps mentally in not feeling like you are making up your pain.  It helps you feel validated that something wasn't right, and now with a diagnosis, even without a cure, you have a reason.  I was fortunate and was able to decrease the intensity of the pain from an 8 to 4 immediately.  For me, it was working with a Bowen therapist.  My pain levels have gone down.  Currently I am working to stop this cycle of pain and internalizing it into my life.  This process is affecting my kids, my parenting abilities, my marriage and my threshold to handle stress.  Everyday life has many simple stresses, as someone dealing with Chronic Pain, those simple things can put me over the boiling point and create a massive meltdown for me in every way.

Second, the relationship with my spouse.  Well my spouse and I have a pretty good relationship, but communication could be better.  He is my rock, he has been the most amazing supportive person in my life. I need to figure out how to put him first before the kids.  When the hormones are up and down it is hard for anyone to read me, let alone know how to support me.  So I suggest to let me cry, let me sleep, let me have space.  Then love me, hug me, and rub my neck.  I need physical touch to feel loved.  That is/was very hard for me and my spouse to balance when I am in pain.  Some things that have worked for us is talking, communicating, and just listening.   If one person bottles up what they are thinking and feeling, it can make one sick.  Some men are not talkers, but they still need to communicate effectively.  Sometimes we don't know that we may have held onto things in our past that are now effecting our future.  Breaking any bad habits or cycles will effectively build your relationship.   If you need to involve a therapist to do this, don't be scared, sometimes this helps bond you more! There are blogs, workshops, books and all kinds of other support out there. Relationship quizzes may help you gauge what you need to work on and how.

Third, is relationship that I have with my kids.  As a mom, I have enjoyed many things about be pregnant, giving birth and becoming a mother.  I take the small moments each day and make a mental snap shot for my memories.  I enjoy photography and have decorated my house finally with their adorable smiles and times of love and joy!  I need these little things to remind me daily and sometimes through out the day to help me reach inside to enjoy moments more, rather that be irritated by them.  These years are going to go by fast and I want to cherish them, not be glad they are over!  I feel very guilty that I like my time, and feel so much more relaxed when they are not around.  I remind myself of all the years I waited to become a mother, and to relish in my kids intelligence.  They are smarter than I think, and I need to 'Step It Up' as a Mom.  On the other hand, I feel guilty that I may be projecting my own childhood issues into them..  So I had to do some more self-reflection and dig down farther.  After a few weeks of researching, I do feel that it has stemmed from years of pushing it aside and not dealing with the little things that should be easily processed and let go.  Holding onto the guilt of basic "bad days" of parenting.  I don't want them to remember the bad days, if I yell or don't give them enough attention one day will they hate me when they are older?  I only want good days in their childhood memories.   How can I not spread myself too thin, and keep on a good track for them too?

I must remind myself, I do have some control in this situation.  I can take CONTROL of my own well-being by NOT doing some things that will increase my stress/symptoms and I CAN DO things that will help me feel better. What did I do, and what CAN you do?

1. Find a Good Therapist - Invest in your mental health and you will seal your foundation back together and be able to built a stronger future!  You don't have to be falling apart to talk out daily issues.  Getting them out in the open in a healthy manner will keep them from stewing in your system and causing other problems in the future. The more you talk about the little things the easier they will float away.

2. Journal the "Little Things" - Letting go of the little things will clear up your bodies Chi to release the toxic emotional repression out into the universe instead of letting it all boil up inside.  These boiling moments can come out as a breakdown (good to release but might not come out appropriately), stress related health problems, relationship issues and even help grow dormant cancer cells into becoming active.

3. Eat Well - Getting back to basics, or going on a cleanse can help your body get rid of the toxic foods and processed chemicals in our bodies, that can also add to our poor well-being.  A good nutritional diet will help with over all physical and mental health as well with decrease symptoms of PPD, Menopause & Depression.  Your nutrition and water intake is key to feeling better.  So look at what you eat, and compare it to how you feel.  If you just ate fast food and then your day turned out crappy, maybe a link to this is valid?  Water intake can help your over all well-being.  Try to drink half your body weight in ounces per day.  This helps with many things, and there are tips on how to drink more water.  Journal about your meals and your mental health to compare.

4. Exercise Regularly - Yes everyone tells you this, but it is because it works!  If you can do something for 3 weeks, it becomes a routine and it easier to keep doing.  I have found that 3 days a week at the gym has decreased my ups and downs of Peri-Menopause, builds up strength, and helps me sleep better!  My kids know I go to the gym, and they have that exposed to them now in early life.  This will help them integrate this into their own lives, as a norm, when they grow up too.  I am not just exercising for my own health, but as a role model for my own kids.  As for Men, they need to exercise too, join a gym together.  There are many relationship benefits from both people exercising to decrease stress.  

5. Socialize - Creating a network of people in your same stage of life is important to have self-confidence, reassure that what you are experiencing is NORMAL, and others go through it too.  Having couples to share times with, play dates with adults.  Making time for yourself and your partner to share some NON-kid time together.  Date nights, couples night etc....This can be hard to start so joining a social group might be good, taking classes you enjoy to meet others, sparking up conversation with people at the park, other places you see families.  Making a game night with people you work with, or go to church with can help too.  There is a study done on Parents with Young kids and how the related factors impact our entire life.  Or sign-up for a Couple's Retreat!

As Parents, we know that exposure to traditions, values, and experiences mold our children and who they will become.  Give your life a boost and add to your kids overall mental and physical habits for years to come by introducing healthy experiences into their lived now.  These steps to Juggling Life can be applied to anyone, not just parents!

___________________________________________________________________________
My life is a work in progress, like yours.  I do not claim to be perfect or even close.  So I write about my experiences of motherhood with my own unique challenges.  These are things that have worked for me and I pass them onto you.

SIDE NOTE: I want to give Props to my mom.  When I did my self-reflections, a lot of how she lives life has come up, and it is obvious by looking at her health.  She is amazing proof that emotional well-being, processing and letting go of the little things helps you maintain a healthier life!  Thanks Mom, you are living proof that emotional baggage doesn't have to wear you down.

Share your stories on FB at The BBB Cafe.

The Last Trimester of Pregnancy: Testing and Interventions Are They ALL Really Neccessary?

Or has the medical health care system added these as "Routine" and no longer looks at us as an individual?

I am speaking about testing such as, Group B Strep, Routine 2nd trimester blood screens (CBC Panels), glucose testing, possible vaginal exams weekly for your entire last month of pregnancy?????? Other tests also after baby arrives....

Did you know that in most cases Group B strep can be treated in most cases naturally without having to have antibiotics while in labor? Dr. routinely test for this at 36 weeks and the flora can change by the time you deliver so treating it naturally a few days before your due is a good way to change the flora
Weekly vaginal exams (sound fun right?) wrong. In most offices now they don't do this, but in many across the nation they still do. What a way to introduce bacteria into your vagina, have someone shove things up it weekly to see if you have an infection, bacteria or if you are in labor. I get if moms want to know if things are progressing but 4 weeks in advance is a little extreme. Also it gives some doctors the opportunity to strip your membranes without you even knowing it. I think a lot of doctor's now don't do this as much but many still do. Eliminating something as simple as these exams can help prevent other interventions during birth. A good doctor or midwife can feel your baby and what position it is from the outside, no need for an internal exam.

Glucose testing, does knowing if you have Gestational Diabetes change the outcome? Yes it can in how you end up actually going into labor. In most cases women with GD are persuaded into Induction which has a huge slippery slope of other interventions to come.


Or things after baby arrives:
~Eye Ointment (optional should be taken into account of Grp B positive or other infections are present)

~Vitamin K Shot (optional as an oral liquid instead of a shot- also not always necessary due to the birth and health of both mom and baby this could be something they don't even need) I know that Fremont Hospital Pharmacy (in Yuba City) has the oral dose of Vit K. that is where I got mine for my son, and I did not even do it for my daughter.

~Hep B Shot (not necessary at all in most cases. How many babies do you know that are exposed to others people blood? -Unless mom is positive) So read about it and see if your baby or family is at risk, if not you can pass on it.

~Blood Glucose testing (standard for 8lb and over not even needed in most cases wait for nursing and signs in most cases first 24 hours can be pushed off to see how baby is before intervention)

~Baby blood panel (in most cases unless baby shows signs or there is a history of concerned diseases then this is also completely unnecessary in most cases)

~Infant hearing test, many postpartum nurses have said babies don't always cooperate so it is hard to get an accurate reading. Did you know this is a test that can test up to $500 (when it cost the hospital about $50)? Why not wait until baby is 6 months old and able to react and respond so you can get a better result? Oh I know, it is so the hospital can bill more to your insurance for your inpatient stay. I get it, it comes down the the mighty dollar again. Again read about it and check out the high risk list to determine if this is something you want to pursue.

All of the above are routine in our state and our nations hospitals right now. But do we really need to be doing them on a 100% of everyone.

Think of the cost associated with all of these, if you didn't have insurance and had to pay cash for all of it, the providers probably would rack up close to $5k in testing alone. Providers, Medical Assistants, RA's and other assistants lack the knowledge in most cases how much the testing costs someone. If you had to pay cash for these I bet you would be advocating for yourself about which ones are absolutely necessary.

An example: Someone I know needed some additional testing on a routine annual test, but the nurse just went ahead an ordered a lot of follow-up tests. The patient mentioned she didn't have great insurance and the nurse was like, "oh, well you might qualify for assistance in paying your bill." WHAT? Why not skip the unnecessary tests and read the last 5 years history of tests, oh no that will take time and effort.... so sorry for the inconvenience but it is our wallet your digging into not your own.

Examples like this plague our entire health care system. It is getting closer to home for me when talking to many of my clients that I teach in Childbirth education.

Another example: A mom tested that they were RH- for their blood type and they "routinely" just started giving her the Rhogam shots (sometimes you get up to 3 and cash wise they are not cheap). Well a big thing was over looked, the spouse could have been tested also and if he came out RH- as well the shots would not be necessary. This could have saved this couple a lot of money, but not one minute was given to the patient to make a choice, at all....just "routine" took over. Some insurance companies will not pay for the $175 per shot fee.

Another mom had two different CBC panels taken during pregnancy because the first came out low. The reason what low meant was never communicated to her. The second was given in transfer of care because they wanted to see if it still came out low. Well no discussions of the second results were given and nothing about why they needed the second one and how it may change from the first to the second test. Nothing about if your CBC is low what possible complications this may bring during birth, how to increase iron, or how to make sure by increasing iron that the chance of extra bleeding (or hemorrhage) could be avoided. Simple things like increasing your iron by eating iron fortified foods like, kale, spinach, lentils and kidney beans.

I get providers don't want to scare moms, but if a test is going to be given explain what it is, if the finding are A or B what options there might be, and if it is necessary or just a precaution due to this particular moms health. If the test is only being done out of routine, is it optional? Why or Why Not?

This is not only about costs but the need to have some kind of intervention. In most healthy moms and baby's 50% of the tests done "Routinely" aren't even necessary.

Taking your own health care back into your own hands is very important especially now in these times. It is important to educate yourself about tests, costs, and why they need to be done. This will help in a huge ways for all moms expecting out there. These moms can bring down health care costs if all of them ask why and if they are necessary. Even if your insurance covers it (which you won't know until after the fact). Having the "Routine" be taken out of the equation and bringing it back to "you and your baby" as an individual is extremely important to get this industry to change.

Food for thought ladies and dads....thanks for reading.

Bringing Home Baby #2

So you're pregnant and expecting baby number 2?  Excitement, joy, suprise all of these might have gone through your mind when finding out this news.  After a few weeks of this setting in, a thought may cross your mind....how is your other child going to handle, transition or cope with the new baby?

You may have heard stories about older siblings being mean, or throwing tantrums when the new baby comes home, or even being jealous weeks or months later.  Well here are a few tips to get the ENTIRE family ready during the last trimester for the new arrival!  Begin preparing by 6 months or when you really start to show. (The following are tips for new siblings that are under age 5 but can be applies to many ages)

• Think about the Major Transitions that might effect the older sibling before baby arrives, such as: (Pick up to three of these and do only one per month, so that you don't overwhelm them with the changes)
• Giving up crib (so you don't have to use two)
• Moving to another room
• Getting a new bed
• Potty training
• Starting daycare or other childcare
• Weaning, or giving up bottles
• Giving up passifiers or binkies
• New car seat
• Read books
• About being a big sister or brother
• About how a baby is in the belly one day and out the next day
• Have the older child read a book or tell a story to the baby in your belly
• Establish A Routine
• Allow the older know they will get one on one time with mommy, daddy etc.
• Pick a day mommy will get to be with the older child and have someone else care for the baby (even of only for an hour in the other room)
• Picking days for daddy, & grandma to have alone playtime too will also help them feel inlcuded and remain confident about their new role as a big sibling

• Using language while you are out to remind the older siblig that since they are the BIG Brother you get to go to the park, baby isn't old enough yet.
• Include New Baby in Daily Routine before they are born
• Talk about baby when eating meals, going for walks etc...
• Also have the baby get kissed goodnight from older sibling and good morning. 
• Having the baby be part of the everyday routine will help ease this transition when they are outside of the womb.
• Role Play
• 
  Buy or get a new doll (new to your home)
• Have them be responsible for burping, feeding, changing dolls diaper
• Have them name the baby (doll)
• Have them help pick out clothes etc.
• Have events happen through out the week that require the older sibling to help get the doll a diaper, or food, or put them down for a nap.
• Ask the older child what they think might help the sick baby feel better?
• 
  Give the older sibling responsibilites
• Such as picking out a new toy for baby room
• Helping paint wall in babies room
• Draw a picture or make wall art to decorate babies room
• Show them where the diapers will be so they can be the new "diaper helper"
• Talk about Emotions 

• The baby and any feelings they may have about the new baby once it arrives.
• If they seem to be acting jealous, show them how they can help
• remind them of how big they are and what they get to do
• If they seem happy and smiling about baby put words to the emotion you see them express
• Put words to any emotions you see the baby have or the older sibling have
• Acknowledge emotions is key to feeling ok about having feelings no matter what kind they are.

Good luck and tune in for more podcast or LIVE feeds by visiting: http://thebbbcafe.podbean.com/