The last few weeks have really exhausted me! All of my parenting skills, teaching and calm techniques to help my kids communicate better aren't working. I am at a loss, I am admitting this....how do I fix this so I don't implode? Do you ever feel this way? I think most parents do, but we power through, or do we?
Looking at all the the variables in life, kids, family, economics, jobs, housing, materialistic items, health, and basic quality of life. There are A LOT that can pile up! I think many people these days are pushing down these stresses and they are ALL starting to pile up. Is this why so many of us are on Anti-Depressants or other medications?
The more time I spend with my kids I feel like my patience gets shorter and shorter. Is this normal? I look at their adorable faces and kiss and hug them as much as I can. Although, I feel when we have stay home days, and I am trying to get things done, they interrupt me more, argue more and just protest about everything! I have had several hours of mommy and kid time, now it is my time to do household stuff. They need to learn to play and entertain themselves, right? How will I get this to work for my family? I think about how to handle all that is happening in my life for me, our family and how to integrate more independence in my children without feeling guilty of ignoring them.
This brings up what I am teaching them about relationships in general. As parents we want to provide a great life for our kids, but how do we do this if we aren't 100% happy or healthy mentally or physically with ourselves? How to I teach them to have healthy relationships with each other, themselves, and others in their lives? It is important to look at the entire picture in order to set a plan of action.
First, I needed to review the relationship that I have with myself. I do some self-reflection. The most obvious controlling factor for me are my hormones. I feel the ups and downs of my wacked out hormones, because I am in the beginning of Peri-Menopause. Did you know that your body pre-determines when you will enter this "time" while you are still in utero yourself? Your eggs are limited from the day you are born. Peri-Menopause is the beginning of the first stages of Menopause. Watch this link for more information on Peri-Menopause. I also have an internal battle that I have set aside, and ignored for too long. This battle is that I am a women living with Chronic Pain for over 15 years. My pain went up tremendously after my daughter was born. For two years I struggled with figuring out my "down" times and why I felt like I did. I should be happy and enjoying my adorable newborn, toddler and spouse. Some of this related back to hormones and Postpartum Depression (PPD Quiz). I went from the PPD to Peri-Menopause without much of a break, and started to unravel. I had to have me time, to excercise, feel better and emotional get a break. This was very hard for me to admit and also integrate in a busy household with a 1 and 3 year old. Thank goodness for my mother, who moved in with us to help care for our kids while I healed. I recently started using relaxation to help me manage my pain. I had a turning point, a few months ago, when I finally found a name for my pain. For those who don't suffer with Chronic Pain, having a diagnosis helps mentally in not feeling like you are making up your pain. It helps you feel validated that something wasn't right, and now with a diagnosis, even without a cure, you have a reason. I was fortunate and was able to decrease the intensity of the pain from an 8 to 4 immediately. For me, it was working with a Bowen therapist. My pain levels have gone down. Currently I am working to stop this cycle of pain and internalizing it into my life. This process is affecting my kids, my parenting abilities, my marriage and my threshold to handle stress. Everyday life has many simple stresses, as someone dealing with Chronic Pain, those simple things can put me over the boiling point and create a massive meltdown for me in every way.
Second, the relationship with my spouse. Well my spouse and I have a pretty good relationship, but communication could be better. He is my rock, he has been the most amazing supportive person in my life. I need to figure out how to put him first before the kids. When the hormones are up and down it is hard for anyone to read me, let alone know how to support me. So I suggest to let me cry, let me sleep, let me have space. Then love me, hug me, and rub my neck. I need physical touch to feel loved. That is/was very hard for me and my spouse to balance when I am in pain. Some things that have worked for us is talking, communicating, and just listening. If one person bottles up what they are thinking and feeling, it can make one sick. Some men are not talkers, but they still need to communicate effectively. Sometimes we don't know that we may have held onto things in our past that are now effecting our future. Breaking any bad habits or cycles will effectively build your relationship. If you need to involve a therapist to do this, don't be scared, sometimes this helps bond you more! There are blogs, workshops, books and all kinds of other support out there. Relationship quizzes may help you gauge what you need to work on and how.
Third, is relationship that I have with my kids. As a mom, I have enjoyed many things about be pregnant, giving birth and becoming a mother. I take the small moments each day and make a mental snap shot for my memories. I enjoy photography and have decorated my house finally with their adorable smiles and times of love and joy! I need these little things to remind me daily and sometimes through out the day to help me reach inside to enjoy moments more, rather that be irritated by them. These years are going to go by fast and I want to cherish them, not be glad they are over! I feel very guilty that I like my time, and feel so much more relaxed when they are not around. I remind myself of all the years I waited to become a mother, and to relish in my kids intelligence. They are smarter than I think, and I need to 'Step It Up' as a Mom. On the other hand, I feel guilty that I may be projecting my own childhood issues into them.. So I had to do some more self-reflection and dig down farther. After a few weeks of researching, I do feel that it has stemmed from years of pushing it aside and not dealing with the little things that should be easily processed and let go. Holding onto the guilt of basic "bad days" of parenting. I don't want them to remember the bad days, if I yell or don't give them enough attention one day will they hate me when they are older? I only want good days in their childhood memories. How can I not spread myself too thin, and keep on a good track for them too?
I must remind myself, I do have some control in this situation. I can take CONTROL of my own well-being by NOT doing some things that will increase my stress/symptoms and I CAN DO things that will help me feel better. What did I do, and what CAN you do?
1. Find a Good Therapist - Invest in your mental health and you will seal your foundation back together and be able to built a stronger future! You don't have to be falling apart to talk out daily issues. Getting them out in the open in a healthy manner will keep them from stewing in your system and causing other problems in the future. The more you talk about the little things the easier they will float away.
2. Journal the "Little Things" - Letting go of the little things will clear up your bodies Chi to release the toxic emotional repression out into the universe instead of letting it all boil up inside. These boiling moments can come out as a breakdown (good to release but might not come out appropriately), stress related health problems, relationship issues and even help grow dormant cancer cells into becoming active.
3. Eat Well - Getting back to basics, or going on a cleanse can help your body get rid of the toxic foods and processed chemicals in our bodies, that can also add to our poor well-being. A good nutritional diet will help with over all physical and mental health as well with decrease symptoms of PPD, Menopause & Depression. Your nutrition and water intake is key to feeling better. So look at what you eat, and compare it to how you feel. If you just ate fast food and then your day turned out crappy, maybe a link to this is valid? Water intake can help your over all well-being. Try to drink half your body weight in ounces per day. This helps with many things, and there are tips on how to drink more water. Journal about your meals and your mental health to compare.
4. Exercise Regularly - Yes everyone tells you this, but it is because it works! If you can do something for 3 weeks, it becomes a routine and it easier to keep doing. I have found that 3 days a week at the gym has decreased my ups and downs of Peri-Menopause, builds up strength, and helps me sleep better! My kids know I go to the gym, and they have that exposed to them now in early life. This will help them integrate this into their own lives, as a norm, when they grow up too. I am not just exercising for my own health, but as a role model for my own kids. As for Men, they need to exercise too, join a gym together. There are many relationship benefits from both people exercising to decrease stress.
5. Socialize - Creating a network of people in your same stage of life is important to have self-confidence, reassure that what you are experiencing is NORMAL, and others go through it too. Having couples to share times with, play dates with adults. Making time for yourself and your partner to share some NON-kid time together. Date nights, couples night etc....This can be hard to start so joining a social group might be good, taking classes you enjoy to meet others, sparking up conversation with people at the park, other places you see families. Making a game night with people you work with, or go to church with can help too. There is a study done on Parents with Young kids and how the related factors impact our entire life. Or sign-up for a Couple's Retreat!
As Parents, we know that exposure to traditions, values, and experiences mold our children and who they will become. Give your life a boost and add to your kids overall mental and physical habits for years to come by introducing healthy experiences into their lived now. These steps to Juggling Life can be applied to anyone, not just parents!
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My life is a work in progress, like yours. I do not claim to be perfect or even close. So I write about my experiences of motherhood with my own unique challenges. These are things that have worked for me and I pass them onto you.
SIDE NOTE: I want to give Props to my mom. When I did my self-reflections, a lot of how she lives life has come up, and it is obvious by looking at her health. She is amazing proof that emotional well-being, processing and letting go of the little things helps you maintain a healthier life! Thanks Mom, you are living proof that emotional baggage doesn't have to wear you down.
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